PASSIONATE or PASSIONLESS??

So.. Lately I've noticed this NERVOUSNESS> manifesting through my actions, fidgety behavior and lack of eye contact. I've noticed this behavior (once it was brought up) primarily when i would discuss the future, or the things that Lord is doing, or calling for me to do. On Monday , it was revealed how it was a product of FEAR.

FEAR..

I'm sooooo sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired of Dealing with Fear! like really.. every time I feel like I've gotten some Freedom, or a release of boldness, or confidence in Christ versus my Flesh.. it comes back. I'm tires of having to RE-Conquer things.. like this is really getting old.

So the other night , I was talking to a friend and they asked me what it was that I was afraid of. I don't know! One conclusion I came to is, that I feel "unsure" .. but not really. Like, I think it's a sabotage tactic, or an attempt to not deal with reality. I'd speak of things the Lord has told me to do, with uncertainty, bc if i totally embraced it, that would mean I'd actually have to do it. Why is it so easy to really on others for confirmation, when we truly believe the Lord speaks. no more.

Another thing that came out , was feeligs of being left out, becasue I've ALWAYS been different. My life has been unique, and there is confidence in agreement for me. So when I'm to do something ALONE, it's like.. well wait.. idk, and fear creeps in. Have I ever done ANYTHING alone? I'm 26 years old, I live at home.. I've never had to rock the boat or really shake things up, on my own.. perhaps now is the time.

I was also asked this question.

Are you PASSIONATE? or is it that you WANT to be Passionate..

When I think about the different areas of my life.. my art.. I like it.. never been very passionate. In college I would try to do what others did, to replicate or produce work like them..but the truth was, I was never really Passionate about it. I could do it, and do it well , a skill.. but never my passion.

So OAm I just not a PASSIONATE person?..

I know i WANT to be Passionate, that happens to be a trait that I'm attracted to, and I hope to acquire..it's a GOOD thing right?

What I've found is, the one thing that I am passionate about it Loving God, Being Love, seeing the Gospel preached, and lost people come to JESUS, and grow in Him.. TO KNOW Him.. :) I'm passionate about that. I'll lose sleep over it, I'll sacrifice for it. But that's like, just about it. AND THAT IS OKAY!!!!! :)

i want to write a poem

I sit

and I wait in this silence.

Seemingly

only these three walls and the door behind me

can see me,

they find me,

right here waiting for you.

While I neglect our time far too often,

I fear, for as of late

the gaps

between the long stares

and visions have become longer,

and much further apart than I remember...

I can't hear,

it's getting blurry.

You'd think i'd wander

back to you..

But it's almost like my skin is attacking you ,

daring you to come close to me

"ah uh uh, don't you do it.."

You know , I REALLY hate my skin.

Every mark and scar it records

then shoves it back in my face.

so many things out of place

who could look at me,

and truly love what they see?

I'm out of shape...

I continually over eat

but I'm still hungry,

for affection from you.

Do you like me better when

I'm skinny?

if I'm honest,

that actually would make sense,

we seemed to chat a lot more in those days..

and right when I begin to believe this,

you remind me with the kisses of your lips..

Truth is..

You're so into me

you're always listening

you hear my heart cry,

you gaze into my eyes

Now, I'm enchanted

Love beyond romantic

drop the semantics..

this love took life

the blood washed kind

timely spared mine

this man actually died..

And I have the nerve to question Him..

But He Loves me,

and He always answers them..

Truth always conquers the lies.

sometimes I need to be reminded..

Dream - January 1

So I was asked to speak a this "house church" , it felt like it was in my basement... but like in my old basement before it was finished. And all of these people were there from my childhood church etc. Sis Doris, Uncle G, some other people I recognized, and of course Chan, and Josh, my sisters. So I found out I was to speak about a week before, and I was praying and asking the word for a word to share. And He gave me 1 word, and that's it. And I don't remember what the word was. So, when it was time for me to go up... I shared it. And everyone just looked at me like, that's it? And afterward, no body was like, good job, or anything. but I was unapologetic bc that's the word the Lord had given me. yah know... ?

later in the dream, I was with some kids.. teaching, but realized I wasn't supposed to be in the building I was in. And someone said, (I think it was Chan) Ashley it's okay, it doesn't mater what building we are in. This one lady was so glad we were reaching her nephew, i think his name was kevin, that she went out and brought us all of this jamaican food to eat after our meeting. lol so random...

the other part of the dream was just silly, upstairs, Joshua was changing clothes..into like the wiz outfits real shiny.. and flashy, and he was like , "take a picture" then i would go to take it, and be too slow, so he'd change into another crazy out fit.. etc etc. then one time, he and Chan, changed into like these outfits..but this time, they opened the door and all these other girls were there too posing.. and I was like whoaaa where did they come from? it tried to take a picture but the girls weren't in the picture. I thought to myself , were they angels or something? (I've been wanting to see angles) then they disappeared, and Chan and Joshua fell asleep on the floor in the other room, when I went downstairs.

So then I woke up...

by Chanali calling me, inviting me to play monopoly!!! lol

But she shared something she was reading last night.. Acts 10,

how the men came from Cornellius to Peter, and said, the Lord said you have a word for us (ashley paraphrase) and without hesitation He began to share the Gospel! That's the WORD.. the 1 Word.. so good!

And I think the revelation, about my concerns about the building.. etc. WE are the CHURCH , We are the Body.. We are His hands and Feet.. Buildings don't matter, we should NOT be concerned about them.. He Provides..